That’s Not Who I Am

We hear it time and time again when a person’s character comes into the question of the masses after they commit some egregious act in the public eye. They apologize for their mistake, characterizing it as a momentary lapse in judgement, usually say something along the lines of “this does not reflect who I am,” and they commit to doing better the next time around. The sincerest apology, still using these very words, evinces a headache-inducing eyeroll because if it’s not who they are, then why did they do it? If they are not racist, why did they say or do this racist thing?

For starters, the person could be saying “this is not who I am” in response to the overwhelming character assaults and attempted assassinations as a result of their actions. (Duh) I know, let’s go deeper: We all know that the court of public opinion (i.e. social media) tends to be a bit extreme and rushes to conclusions about, well, everything. Decades ago, if I were to make an error in judgement in front of a crowd of 50 people who knew me, the gaff may have gone as far as hearsay. Today, if I make that same gaff in front of 50 people who know me, with 20 of them sharing that gaff to social media, their entire networks can now react, and when my friend obliges to their associate’s request to “make this post shareable,” my fallacy now becomes the topic of thousands of people’s attentions, none of who know me as a person. Chances are the conclusions they’ll try to draw about 5 imperfect seconds of my life will be at least a little off from the truth. And so if I were to respond to those lies in defense of actually knowing the truth about myself a little more than a group of strangers, I might say “that is not true, that is not who I am.”

Now, someone saying “that’s not who I am” can also mean that they’ve done something that might not necessarily be entirely representative of who they are, but it can indicate something about who they are becoming, or that they could use a little more introspection in their lives at baseline. Take, for instance, a discussion about racism. Sometimes people may think racism only means that you’re in or support the KKK, you wish schools and businesses were still segregated, or that you still use the n-word in reference to Black people. But they might not recognize something like this as racist: seeing a group of black boys running down the street and automatically assuming they must’ve done something wrong and are now fleeing the scene of the crime, rather than assuming that they’re just seeing who can make a lap around the block the fastest. The first assumption could be indicative of a racist mindset that is yet to be labeled as such for the person who thinks that way.

And while there are many other reasons why someone may say “that’s not who I am,” one of which is that they know that that is very well who they are but they’re just lying to save their skin, here’s how we can discern their heart and know if they are being genuine: don’t, and let God do it. “I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.”* You see, it’s not for us to judge the heart of the offender because in our widely varied personal scales of judgement, we’re likely to reach many conclusions that are not all congruous to each other. But when we apply biblical principles to such situations, we learn that reconciliation and resolution are fostered when we 

  1. Are quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. (James 1:19)

  2. Recognize that a gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. (Proverbs‬ ‭15:1‬)

  3. Realize that if our own imperfections were exposed, we would likely appreciate more grace and compassion in our road to redemption.

In love and veritas,

Chioma

*Jeremiah 17:10

Chioma Obih