A Relationships Reading List

January through mid-February are the busiest days of online dating. With the new year’s resolutions to find love and the impending Valentine’s Day season heralded by retail shelves, many singles hope that this year will be the year they go on their last first date.

As a 30-year old, single, Nigerian, Christian woman who lives in the South, I am continuously made aware by these specifically identifying demographics that getting married should be at the forefront of my life’s to-do list. If science isn’t telling me about the risks of advanced age anything, my parents are reminding me of my “ripened” state among the other fruit in the garden, and married twenty-something year olds at my southern church are proposing unsolicited assessments of my singleness. Most notable of those assessments: “You’re just not ready. God’s still making you into the right person so you can be married to the right person.” Ha!  

In spite of all the external pressures, I am comforted by the fact that none of what I enjoy doing and feel called to do in this season of my life requires me to be married. My career, my vision, my friendships, my mission work, my blog, my hospitality goals, my artistic endeavors. They’re all God-given desires, and they’re all being fulfilled, all while I am single. Though doing these things with and partnering in vision with a forever plus one would be amazing, I am comfortable, and I am satisfied.

But I am still receptive to good advice in the arena of relationships. Keyword: good. There are friends who will tell you that you need to be vulnerable enough to get your heart broken by the clearly wrong guy so in the future you’ll know how to give your heart to the right guy. If you have a friend like that, do yourself a favor and never get relationship advice from them again.

All this to say, I didn’t always feel this way about my singleness. And to be honest, there likely will be times when I question God about it, when my heart might ache a bit as I wonder if I’ll ever be married, or the thought of not being married potentially being the “reasonable sacrifice” that Paul talks about in Romans 12 crosses my mind. These thoughts don’t come up often, or even when I see another friend get engaged or married, or when I go to a wedding or am a third or fifth wheel at an outing. To the latter point of that thought, I am thankful for engaging friendships in which outings/gatherings like that leave me full and encouraged, rather than resentful.

That being said, I’ll give a short admonition on this particular subtopic before getting into the reason why this post exists in the first place. If you are married and/or have kids, they are your priority. However, your single friends don’t suddenly stop desiring community when your season changes. And the solution is not that they now have to find all new friends. While we single people should be accommodating and understanding to the new season that our friends are in, please keep in mind that if we were great friends before your life changed, we still desire that friendship now that you are married. This does not mean your throw yourself on the sword of over-extension. It just means… don’t become a stranger. Plus, the family of God is a community of people in different seasons and stages of life. We are connected and strengthened not solely by theory but by intentional, perpetual practice of community.

And here, now, as the point of this post, is a great reading list that has helped nurture my relational self and laid strong foundations for approaching dating and preparing for marriage in a healthy way. I’ve intentionally listed them in a specific order of priority. I didn’t read them all in this order, but I now see what would have been beneficial to know first. Plus, even if you are married, this list is for you too. And you may have some single friends who could benefit from this list as well.

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: Unleash a Revolution in Your Life in Christ by Peter Scazerro

You good? Because before you can build healthy relationships, you must have the foundation of a healthy relationship with yourself and Christ. This book will help you do that. Here’s my favorite quote from it. If you like it, just know the whole book is pure gold just like this nugget: “Emotional health and spiritual maturity are inseparable. It is not possible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.”

7 Myths about Singleness by Sam Allberry

Far too often, we (especially the church) treat marriage as the most important achievement in life. That just should not be the case. This book is insightful as it breaks down commonly held beliefs of singleness and builds up the truth of the significance of singleness. If you’ve ever felt second-rate because of your singleness, do yourself a favor and read this!

The Five Love Languages for Singles by Gary Chapman

There’s a specific way you commonly love and love being loved. Get to know where you fit in with this author’s flagship book of the series The Five Love Languages, and then use this book to understand how this theory can be practically implemented as you meet your potential partner.

Loveology: God. Love. Marriage. Sex. and the Never-Ending Story of Male and Female by John Mark Comer

Foundational stuff here. The what and why of everything about God’s design for relationship and marriage. I’m serious about the “why” part. Plus, you’ll love how this PNW pastor writes. His prose is easy to follow, and his views are refreshing and, most-importantly, biblical. In truth, this is the first book I recommend to every single one of my friends when it comes to relationships. Even if they didn’t ask for it. It’s one of the first gifts I give them. It’s great. And there’s a Q&A at the end, full of those questions you wish your pastor would address.

Single, Dating, Engaged, Married: Navigating Life and Love in the Modern Age by Ben Stuart

The who, the what, the why, the how of singleness, dating, engagement, and marriage. Another great foundational book that goes more into the practicality of things. He gets very specific, and I love that. This is the book I wish my husband would read before he meets me. But if he doesn’t, this will be at the top of our shared reading list. Ben Stuart pastors Passion City Church Washington, D.C. and he covered many of the points made in this book in an official sermon series on the book. You’ll find the sermon videos on youtube. They’re helpful if you’re not a big reader, but like most movies of books, they leave out a lot.

Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

The title says it all. If you’ve ever heard a Christian tell you “just guard your heart,” when it comes to a potential relationship but you don’t know what that practically means or looks like, this book will help you understand it and implement it.

Hope this helps you as much as it has helped me! Any recs? Comment below!

In love and veritas,

Chioma